Writing Tips

There are no perfect words, and you don’t need them. You can’t get this wrong. You may not know the people on your list, but you already understand each other.

Say their name

If they shared their loved one’s name, write it. Many of us say it’s what we miss most: hearing that name from someone else.

Copy the spelling letter for letter from your card list, including accents, like Siobhán or José. A misspelled name hurts more than you’d expect.

You might try the present tense: “Emily is so loved.” Many people find it a comfort. The past tense is fine too, especially if that’s how they write about them.

Use their words. If their note says “my angel Lily” or “since Jim passed,” you can say it that way too. If not, just use the name.

Write about the person, not the death. Leave out how they died unless they told you.

No name on your list? That’s okay. See “When no name was shared” below.

For example:

I’m thinking of you and Emily this Christmas.
Kevin’s name will be said with love in our home this Christmas.
I’ll light a candle for Noah on Christmas Eve.
Saying Rose’s name with you this Christmas,

Short on energy? Try a three-line card

A short card is a whole card, and often the easiest kind to receive.

Copy this, fill in the names, and sign it. It’s fine to write the same words in every card.

No name on your list? Make the middle line “I’m thinking of you this Christmas.”

Dear [their first name],

I’m thinking of you and [their loved one’s name] this Christmas.

With love, [your first name], Ellie’s Way Group

A simple shape for any card

Want to write a little more? This shape works for almost anyone. Four to six sentences is plenty.

Open with them, not with your news: “Dear Donna, I’ve been thinking of you this December.”

Say the name: “I’m remembering Kevin with you this Christmas.”

Add one small, true detail if you can. It shows you read what they shared: “Your note said Kevin loved cardinals, so I chose this card for him.”

Or make a small promise: “I’ll light a candle for Kevin on December 12.” Many bereaved families light one at 7 p.m. on the second Sunday of December, for the Worldwide Candle Lighting.

Writing about a baby? The same shape works: “I’m remembering baby Eli with you. Your note said his due date was December 9, so I’ll light a candle for him that night.”

End with a soft wish, not a cheerful one: “I hope this season is gentle with you.”

Sign with your first name. If you like, add your own loved one’s name too: “With love, Marie, Daniel’s mom.”

More lines to borrow:

I don’t have the right words, but I wanted you to know someone is thinking of you.
I know December 12 is Emily’s birthday. I’ll be thinking of you both that day.
I hope there are moments of peace for you this season, and maybe a little light.
You are not alone this Christmas.
Holding you in my heart this Christmas,
With a candle lit for Noah, and love for you,

Cards and faith

Everyone on your list chose how they’d like faith in their cards this year, and you’ll see it on My Cards. It tells you what will comfort them. It isn’t a label for the person, or a question about what you believe.

Follow their choice gently. Open the one that matches below. If you don’t see a choice on their card, treat it as “Any card is lovely.”

Welcomes faith or prayer

You can mention God or prayer. Faith comforts most when it keeps the grief company instead of explaining it.

“Welcomes faith or prayer” doesn’t always mean Christian. If their note mentions their faith, follow it. For a Muslim member, “I’m praying God gives you peace and patience” is a kind fit. If their note doesn’t say, prayer and God’s care are words many faiths share.

Pray for them, not at them. “I’m holding you in my prayers” tells them what you’ll do. “Trust God’s plan” tells them what to feel.

Share what has carried you, not what they should do. Please don’t tuck tracts or booklets into the card.

Not a praying person yourself? Don’t borrow words you don’t mean. “I know your faith matters to you. I hope it holds you close this Christmas” is honest and kind.

Some faith phrases hurt even believers. See “Words that can sting” below.

Lines you could borrow:

I’m holding you and Mark in my prayers this Christmas.
Praying God holds you close on the hardest days of this season.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” That verse has carried me, and I’m praying it for you.
I’ll remember Daniel and your family at Mass this Christmas.
I don’t understand why Emily is gone. I’m just praying for you, and saying her name with you.

Prefers no religious words or pictures

It’s still a Christmas card. Winter scenes, candles, robins, stars and simple greetings are all lovely.

Please leave out prayers, Scripture, “blessed,” nativity scenes, angels and heaven. When you mention your own loved one, keep it plain too: “in memory of my daughter Grace.”

This isn’t a judgment of your faith, and some believers ask for it in a hard year. Your faith can shape how you love them, just not the words on the card. Pray for them privately, and write to them plainly.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and Ben this Christmas, and every day.
I’m lighting a candle for Noah tonight.
I hope there’s a quiet moment of peace for you somewhere in this season.
Love doesn’t end. Jim is still so loved.
Sending love from me, and in memory of my daughter Grace.

Any card is lovely

Write as you would to a kind stranger at a memorial: warm and simple. Any Christmas card is fine.

You can mention your own faith, like “I’ll be praying for you.” Just don’t speak for theirs, or say where their loved one is now.

Lines you could borrow:

Holding you and Kate in my heart this Christmas.
Someone in Ohio is saying Kate’s name tonight.
I hope you find some light this December.
I’ll be thinking of you, and praying, if that’s welcome.

Writing to someone who lost…

Your card list shows who they’re missing, if they chose to share it. Open the one that fits. Use only what they told you, and never guess.

A child, at any age

A parent never stops being a parent. Say the child’s name, and don’t ask about their other children.

Parents of grown children often feel overlooked, because sympathy goes to the spouse or the grandchildren. Their loss is no smaller.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and your daughter Emily this Christmas.
You will always be Emily’s dad.
Losing a grown child is still losing your child. I’m remembering Mark with you.
Your son Mark is loved and remembered, this Christmas and always.

Instead of At least you have your other children.: Try I’m thinking of you and Emily this Christmas.
Instead of At least you had him for so many years.: Try All those years, and of course you wanted more.

A baby, before or after birth

A baby who died before birth, at birth or soon after is a child, and their parents are parents.

Use the baby’s name if they shared it. If not, “your little one” or “your baby” is gentle.

You don’t need years of memories to write. Their name, their date, and that they are loved are enough.

A due date can be as hard as a birthday. If you see one, name it: “I’ll be thinking of you and Eli on December 9.”

Choose a card without babies or children on the front.

Lines you could borrow:

I’m thinking of you and baby Rose this Christmas.
Thinking of you and your baby this Christmas. Your little one is loved.
Eli is loved, and he matters. I’m saying his name with you.
You are Rose’s mom, always.

Instead of It wasn’t meant to be.: Try Your baby is loved and remembered.
Instead of At least you didn’t get to know her.: Try Rose is your daughter, and she is so loved.
Instead of Are you going to try again?: Try I’m remembering Rose with you this Christmas.

A husband, wife or partner

So much of Christmas is shared with a partner, from the decorations to the cards themselves. Say the name, and honor the years they shared.

If their note mentions children at home, you can include them: “Thinking of you and the children, and remembering Tom with you.”

Don’t suggest what comes next, like finding someone new.

Lines you could borrow:

I’m thinking of you and Jim, and all the Christmases you shared.
Remembering Jim with you this season.
Please know you have friends in this group, even from far away.

Instead of You’ll find someone again.: Try Jim is so loved, and so missed.
Instead of At least you had 40 years together.: Try All those years together, and of course you wanted more.

A mom or dad

Losing a mom or dad hurts at any age. Don’t make it smaller because of their age, or a long illness.

Lines you could borrow:

No matter how old we are, we never stop needing our moms. I’m thinking of you.
I’m remembering your dad with you this Christmas.
I hope you find your mom in small ways this season.

Instead of She lived a long life. It was her time.: Try I’m so sorry your mom isn’t here this Christmas.

A brother or sister

Brothers and sisters are often the forgotten mourners. People ask how the parents are doing and forget to ask about them.

Make this card about them and their grief.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and your brother David this Christmas. Your grief matters too.
People often ask about your parents. This card is just for you.
A sister is part of your whole story. I’m remembering Kate with you.

Instead of How are your parents holding up?: Try I’m thinking of you, and of David.
Instead of Be strong for your parents.: Try You don’t have to be strong for anyone.

A grandchild

Grandparents often grieve twice: for their grandchild, and for their own child, who is now a grieving parent.

Some grandparents raised the grandchild they lost. For them, it is losing a child.

They’re often asked to be strong for the family. Let your card hold their grief too.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and your grandson Leo this Christmas.
You’re missing Ava and carrying your family’s grief too. I’m holding you all in my heart.
I’m thinking of you and Leo, and of everyone who misses him this Christmas.

Instead of Be strong for your daughter.: Try You’re grieving too, and that matters.

Someone who died by suicide

You’ll only know this if their note says so. Never guess how someone died.

Write about the person, not the death. If you mention it at all, say “died by suicide,” never “committed.” Don’t try to explain why, and leave out any details of how. Please don’t use words like “selfish,” “chose” or “gave up.”

Please leave out “at peace,” “no more pain” and “a better place.” They can make death sound like a relief, which hurts to hear and can be risky for someone who is struggling.

A card that says their name can mean a great deal.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and Ryan this Christmas. He is loved.
I’m holding you and Ryan in my heart this Christmas.
Ryan is so much more than how he died. I’m saying his name with you.

Instead of I’m sorry he committed suicide.: Try I’m so sorry Ryan isn’t here this Christmas.
Instead of There’s nothing you could have done.: Try Ryan is so loved, and so are you.

Someone who died of an overdose or addiction

As with suicide, you’ll only know this if their note says so.

Put the person first. You don’t need to mention how they died. If their note mentions it, you can say “died of an overdose.”

Please don’t use “addict,” “struggles,” “demons” or “bad choices.”

The person you’re writing to may be a parent, a partner, or a grandparent who raised them. Say the name, and honor that love.

A card that says their name can mean a great deal.

Lines you could borrow:

Thinking of you and Jake this Christmas. He is so loved.
I’m remembering Jake with you this Christmas.
I’ll say Jake’s name out loud this Christmas.

Instead of He lost his battle with addiction.: Try Jake is so much more than how he died.
Instead of He made his choices.: Try Jake is loved, and so missed.
Instead of At least he’s at peace now.: Try I wish Jake were here with you this Christmas.

Someone suddenly, or after a long illness

A sudden death leaves no time to say goodbye. A long illness can leave people worn out, and sometimes relieved as well as sad. Both are grief, and neither is easier.

Don’t compare, and don’t look for a bright side.

Lines you could borrow:

Nothing prepares us for this. I’m thinking of you and Chris.
You’ve loved Carol through so much. I’m thinking of you now.
Whatever you’re feeling this Christmas is okay.

Instead of At least it was quick.: Try I’m so sorry Chris is gone.
Instead of She’s not suffering anymore. It was a blessing.: Try I’m remembering Carol with you.

More than one person

Some members are missing more than one person. Name every name they shared, and copy each spelling carefully.

Never weigh one loss against another.

Lines you could borrow:

Remembering Anna, Luis and Joe with you this Christmas.
There are many names on your heart. I’m holding all of them with you.
I’ll light a candle for Anna and for Joe this Christmas.

Instead of How much can one person take?: Try Anna and Joe are both so loved.

When no name was shared

Not everyone shares a name. They may not be ready, or they may want to keep it close. Don’t guess who died, and don’t ask.

A card without a name is still a whole card. “Thinking of you” is enough.

Lines you could borrow:

I don’t know your story, but I’m thinking of you this Christmas.
Whoever you’re missing, they are loved, and so are you.
From one Ellie’s Way member to another: you’re not alone this season.

Instead of I’m so sorry about your husband.: Try I’m thinking of you, and of everyone you love and miss.

A first Christmas without them

If your list says it’s someone’s first Christmas without a loved one, keep that card shorter and softer, and say the name. It may be a baby who died this year.

Leave out “next year,” “getting through it” and “the first is the hardest.” And please don’t expect a thank‑you this time.

Lines you could borrow:

I know this is your first Christmas without Lily. I’m thinking of you, and of her.
There’s no right way to spend a first Christmas. Whatever you do is the right way.
You don’t have to be okay. I’m one of many people holding you in my heart this month.
Jim is being remembered this year, even by people who never met him.

Many Christmases later

Later Christmases can be just as hard. By then, many people have stopped sending cards or saying the name. Your card says they haven’t been forgotten.

Don’t mention how long it’s been, or suggest they should be doing better by now.

Lines you could borrow:

Kevin is still loved and still missed, every Christmas.
I’m saying Grace’s name with you this Christmas.
Thinking of you and Luis this Christmas, and every Christmas.

If you’re grieving too

Almost everyone writing these cards is missing someone too. You don’t have to be okay to write.

Take breaks. One card a day is fine, and so is all at once. If writing stirs up your own grief, stop for a while. The cards will wait.

One line about your own loved one says “I’m one of you.” Then turn the card back to them.

If a name on your list is too close to your own loss, tap “Something’s not right” on My Cards and tell the group admin. It’s okay to ask for a different name.

If this year is too much, tap “Ask the Elves to send my cards” on My Cards. No reason is needed. Our Elves will send the cards still on your list, and the cards coming to you will still come. If you’ve mailed some already, tap “I mailed this card” on those first.

If you’d like to mention your own loss:

My son Daniel died in 2019, so I’m writing from a heart that misses someone too.
I lost my husband three years ago. I’m thinking of you this Christmas.
I’ll be saying Emily’s name this Christmas, alongside my Daniel’s.

Words that can sting, even when meant kindly

A card sent with love is never a mistake. If you’ve written some of these before, please don’t worry. They were received as love.

Still, a card doesn’t need to explain the loss, fix it, or find a bright side. It only needs to keep them company. Here are some gentler choices.

A few are faith phrases. Many believers find them painful too, because they seem to explain the death.

Instead of Everything happens for a reason. It was God’s plan.: Try I’m so sorry Kevin isn’t here this Christmas.
Instead of He’s in a better place.: Try I wish he were here with you.
Instead of God needed another angel.: Try I’m holding you in my heart this Christmas.
Instead of God won’t give you more than you can handle.: Try You don’t have to carry this alone.
Instead of At least…: Try I’m thinking of you.
Instead of Time heals. It gets easier.: Try I’m thinking of you now, and after Christmas too.
Instead of I know how you feel.: Try I’ve lost someone too, and I’m thinking of you.
Instead of I can’t imagine. This must be so hard.: Try However this Christmas finds you, I’m thinking of you.
Instead of Stay strong.: Try There’s no right way to do this.
Instead of He’d want you to be happy.: Try However you spend Christmas is okay.
Instead of I hope you’re doing better this year.: Try Kevin is still missed, and still loved.
Instead of Let me know if you need anything.: Try Someone in Ellie’s Way is thinking of you.

Cards across faiths and countries

Some members join for the company more than the holiday, whether they’re Jewish, Muslim, or not religious at all. A card that says “I see you” works in any tradition.

“Merry Christmas” is fine, and many members still love to see it. If you’d like a softer wish, “Wishing you peace this Christmas” is lovely too.

Follow their lead. If their note mentions their faith, you can too. For a Jewish member, “May Kate’s memory be a blessing” is a familiar comfort. Never guess someone’s faith from their name or country.

Use their words. If they write “Mum,” “Mam” or “Da,” write it that way too. In many countries it’s “Happy Christmas,” and in Australia, Christmas comes in summer.

Write dates in words. 12/3 means December 3 in the US, but 12 March in much of the world.

Cards to other countries can arrive after Christmas. A wish for the new year keeps a late card just right.

Gentle wishes that travel well:

Wishing you peace this Christmas.
Thinking of you this season, and into the new year.
Wishing you peace in the new year. I’m thinking of you and Emily.

Don’t wait for a thank‑you

Many people can’t answer cards this season, especially in a first year. Some will tap “It arrived” or send a short note. Many won’t, and that’s okay.

If you hear nothing, your card still did its work. Cards like yours are often kept for years, in a box with the others.

Practical tips

Never sent Christmas cards before? A box of plain cards and some stamps is all you need.

Write your message by hand. Shaky handwriting is fine, and so is a printed label on the envelope.

Please use a plain card, not a family photo card or family newsletter, even if you love yours.

If you’re choosing new cards, a quiet design is often easier to open than a big MERRY or JOY. Already bought yours? Use them. Your words matter more than the front.

Your return address is up to you. Add it only if you’d like them to be able to write back.

If they shared a date in early December, mail early so the card arrives that week. If it might be late, that’s okay. “I’ll be thinking of you on December 12” is still a gift.

Mail cards to other countries first. They can take 2 to 3 weeks in December.

Copy an address from another country exactly as it’s written, every line, including accents. It may have no house number, a house name or townland, or a code like H91 AB12. That’s normal. Write the country in capitals on the last line.

Mailing from the US? One Global Forever stamp covers a regular card to any country. Square cards, and cards with bows or buttons, need extra postage.

Posting from outside the US? Ask your post office for the international stamp, and check their last posting dates. They’re often in early December.

Sending several cards? “Print address labels” on My Cards saves addressing each one by hand. It works with US Letter and A4 label sheets.

Like paper? Tap “Print my list” on My Cards for a copy of your card list.

When a card is in the mail, tap “I mailed this card” on My Cards, so they know one is coming. Tapped it by mistake? Tap “Undo” on that card.

If an address looks wrong, tap “Problem with this address?” on that card. Only the group admin will see it.

If you print your list or anything else with addresses on it, please shred it after Christmas.

No gifts are needed. The card is the gift.

Questions about using this website? Please message the group admin on Facebook.

If this season feels too heavy

If you’re struggling, please reach out to someone today. In the US, call or text 988, any time. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free support in your country.